Friend or Foe: The Concept of Friendship Beyond Gender

Syeda Sazia Afrin ।। During buddy meetups, I found a tendency; conversations naturally form groups, according to their comforting persons. On one side, you might find a group of friends having a lively chat, while on the other, you might notice a cluster full of laughter and shared experiences, all on identical ground within their gender. Of Course, Everyone comes together for cordial greetings, casual interactions, and a general perusal of the surroundings. I’m not criticising the situation; I’m just trying to figure it out. However, from high school to university, we prefer friends of the other sex.

Many girls say male friends are helpful and pleasant, but female friends are jealous and hostile. These women prioritise boys but feel comfortable in the girl’s zone. Nobody could ever try to figure out ‘why.’ Conversely, the lads have kept their news and communications to themselves, maintaining a hidden brotherhood.

I live in 2023 and declare that men and women cannot be true friends. They are genetically distinct. Also, men are unsafe for women, or it’s a sin — how strange, outdated, and sexist does that sound? That’s not what I’m saying, but it’s what I’m saying; there is a paradox.

The Intersection of Attraction and Friendship

Male Friendship in Bangladesh’s Cultural Fabric.” Boys’ and girls’ threads are usually woven apart in the tapestry of childhood, their interactions limited to play, competition, and the occasional brawl. Society looks progressive towards gender equality, but friendships remain a minefield of complexities. These complexities grow during the difficult years of high school, college, university, and employment when many connections take root. Male-female friendships, which were formerly straightforward, are now riding attraction currents. Charities can act as elder or younger siblings or even go over into romance. The search for a pristine company, on the other hand, remains a mystery.

Adolescence’s Tug-of-War: Longing and Rivalry

The development of a fascinating story marks early adolescence. This story is about how men are magnetic and women long for them. From sixth to tenth grade, these complicated interactions form a web of attraction and jealousy, shaping the delicate dance of relationships. Boys strive to impress the girls they admire by exhibiting their dedication. Boys, meanwhile, stick together in cliques. And where they are complete humans, not just men.

On the other hand, female beauty competition and envy often go unnoticed. Regarding female friendships, it’s more typical for there to be just one “bestie” with whom they can share their love stories rather than a group of close friends. As a result, men are more likely to show a sense of brotherhood and solidarity with people worldwide, whereas women are less likely to do so.

Regarding friendships between guys and girls based on desire, the girl’s role and influence typically assume a secondary position. These dynamics typically play out beginning in high school and continuing through university. In contrast to the pervasive sense of brotherhood among males, a sense of solidarity is less common in women’s friendships. Therefore, as women get older, they frequently discover that they do not have any company, in contrast to men, who experience a lesser degree of isolation as they age. As a result, the idea of a male companion friend for a woman continues to be challenging.

Consider a 6-year-old boy named Rubel and his friend Suman. Their friendship involves things like playing together, going on reading expeditions, and participating in school events. They avoid and handle difficulties, compete, and strengthen ties. Cooperation and competition characterise their friendships, which extend to their companies with others such as Suman, Rahim, Karim, and Abul. The progression of this narrative reflects the process of socialisation. Individuals begin to mature at six when they learn to integrate into society.

Society Scripts Two Contrasting Theories

Now, let’s explore my 14th-year memory. A Girl pushed me out of my seat during a coaching class. I was swatting her bag. Things got worse when she called her male buddy for help. He charged at me, and I reacted. I defended myself by hitting him with an objective guidebook, accidentally knocking his glasses off. He was barely hurt. Still, I wondered: Why did a teenage girl ask her male buddy for help in a fight with another girl?

The answer confirmed society’s view that boys are superior, even if we’re the same age and capable. It all starts with social learning.

Imagine a 6-year-old girl and a boy starting school; the twist is boys’ and girls’ life travel is different. Girls are gently encouraged to learn and discipline while lads bond through sports and fun. In play places, girls held back, missing out on shared games, reconciliation after squabbles, and boys’ easy connection. These differences make girls boy-dependent.

The Subtext of Authority in Friendship

Please let me share another personal anecdote with you. During my time in school, I had a group of five close friends, and just one of them was a man. Our friendship wasn’t just because he was isolated from other boys; it was something more profound than that. He, like us, would go directly home after classes while the other males would hang out in teahouses or go on long, solo walks. It wasn’t timidity holding us back; instead, it was a shared commitment to self-control.

He was different from the other lads since he was introverted like us and found comfort in books when he was lonely. While the others chatted animatedly about positive and destructive topics, he kept his thoughts to himself and focused on his studies. His allowance was only twenty takas, similar to our financial situation, while many other lads received anywhere from two hundred to five hundred takas. Because of this, we became close, and it’s interesting to note all five of us called him “brother.”

Strangely, a man who holds more sway in a relationship is more attractive. However, who attempted to play the part of a friend in the same dynamic so that it would remain stable? It’s worth noting that guys often set off on their own, but girls usually follow in their parent’s footsteps.

 Society Tags “characterless” women who have male friends

The societal lens often casts a disapproving glare upon women with male friends; these women are branded  as disobedient or even ‘bad.’ Regardless of the innocence that might define a woman’s connection with a man, society’s interpretation remains fixed. This sentiment still holds even in today’s ostensibly modern world. The term ‘friend’ has been marred by an array of connotations—’ just friends,’ ‘friends with benefits,’ and the like. Within this societal framework, the woman bears the brunt of the impact.

Boys who form friendships with girls come to their defence is rare. They’re not outsiders; society envelops them, but they are not outsiders; they are their own family, other friends, neighbours, and even relatives. I focus on something beyond the broader societal circle but on this immediate scope.

 Fractured Ties and “Hidden expectation” of a male friend

An unsettling pattern emerges in the intricate web of relationships: men tend to bypass genuine friendships with women, opting for romantic pursuits, whether fleeting or severe. While exceptions exist, most men often approach relationships with a gender-centric perspective. This inclination isn’t rooted in biology but results from social influences. Yet, it’s women who often bear the brunt of blame.

Let’s delve into a few scenarios to illustrate this phenomenon. Consider Simi and Robin, classmates who share a bond. However, Simi perceives their connection as less significant, a perception that Robin interprets as love. Robin leaps without consulting Simi or even proposing, assuming their relationship has romantic undertones. This assumption leads to Simi’s social embarrassment.

In another instance, Masuma, a college student, holds a sibling-like relationship with Masud, a senior student. However, when Masud departs for the Middle East for work, he suggests to Masuma’s parents to hold her back from marrying until his return. This offhand comment leaves Masuma traumatised.

In an office setting, Parul and Sabuj share the camaraderie of colleagues. Despite their married statuses, they confide in each other about marital challenges. Parul perceives Sabuj as a friend until the day he proposes, altering the dynamics between them.

In a world where boys and girls, young men and women, seamlessly mingle, study, and work together, one might assume that genuine friendships would naturally form. Coffee chats, shared experiences, and mutual emotional highs and lows suggest the building blocks of camaraderie. However, amidst this apparent closeness, a notable void persists. While mutual attractions, tensions, and even fleeting love stories come into play, the essence of true friendship often remains elusive. Men find refuge in gatherings like Boys Chatter, Boys Tour, and the Brotherhood of male companionship, leaving women to navigate a landscape where genuine platonic connections are not easily found.

The concept of a genuine connection often falters in the realm of male-female friendships. Friendship isn’t solely about socialising; it holds utility. When a woman invests time with a male friend, she often finds her efforts yield little in return.

(The views and opinions expressed by the writers are those of their own and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of Feminist Factor)