No one should be forced to get married

Aadrita Mahzabeen ।। Marriage is a truly abstract concept. However, it is something that has continued for thousands of years, maybe even longer. Not everyone has the same views on marriage and the ceremonies it includes; some people may say that it is just a contract and some may say that it is something that shows everlasting love between a couple.

Depending on the situation and the couple themselves, I believe it can be both. I think marriages are wonderful in terms of ceremonies. I used to love marriage celebrations as a child and honestly, I still do, because all the lights and the glamour are so magnificent. Ceremonies like the Kabin, Bou-bhat and especially the Holudh are events I genuinely adore, but the contractual paper-signing not so much. I don’t like the idea of the government being included in a gesture of love. I could never imagine signing a contract to prove that I love my partner. It just feels terribly wrong. If I do ever get “married”, I would like to have the ceremonies take place and solely the ceremonies. Absolutely no signing of papers.

The thing is, it’s not just a mere contract. Luckily, in Bangladesh, it is not mandatory, but in most countries, you would have to change your last name to that of your husband. Why can’t you keep your own? This is a problem. For years and years, marriage has been nothing but a sharing of property between one man and another. If a father got his daughter married off to a well-off family, it would mean that the father is successful. Men used to keep their status in their societies by marrying their children off, so we can say that if a girl was born into a family, she was nothing but a tool to profit off.

What I am trying to say is that marriage was never about love in the first place, it only became so in recent years. Even now, when a family falls into trouble, they have their daughters married off to other smart and rich families. I’m not saying being married to a good family is something bad, but the practice of selling off your daughters is. Most girls in Bangladesh just agree with their parents’ decision to get them married because they are more or less raised to be sweet and obedient. They don’t want to disappoint their parents and their families so they just oblige. Why is this a problem? The next paragraphs explain it all.

The thing is, Bengali people believe that there is a certain ‘ripe’ and ‘optimum’ age to get married. This age is between the ages of 18 to 30. They think that girls get too old to get married or have babies afterwards, so they rush them to get married quickly. I have seen it in countless examples around me.

Let’s make a hypothetical example: A successful and promising woman, B, just got her first job opportunity which pays a salary of 35k BDT per month. This is a very good amount, considering it’s her first job. She takes her job very seriously and concentrates on her studies at the same time, but she is nearing the ‘age of marriage’ and her parents are worried. They think, “What are we going to do? B isn’t married yet and we’re growing sick and old! Will she ever get married? Will we be able to witness it? We need to start looking for suitors ASAP!”

What would you do in this situation? Wouldn’t you feel pressured? You want to continue your studies and have an amazing job, but your parents are stressed because you didn’t get married yet.

B thinks, “Okay, I am going to find a suitor as soon as possible, there is no other way, or else I’ll grow old and die alone. No one will ever love me when I’m older and I will never find any suitors later in life. I need to search for one quickly.”

B finds a suitor in just a few weeks. He’s academically smart and is from a nice family. Perfect! He has nice manners too–pause. He absolutely does not have nice manners, nor does he have any respect for the astounding woman B is. At first he put up a nice act, everyone does that, we can’t deny that, but that was not the case. The more time you spend with a person, the more you get to learn about their true nature. B couldn’t spend much time with the suitor C. C turned out to be a horrible person whose only good qualities were his academic achievements and his family’s wealth. While they were shopping at a store for their wedding clothes and accessories, B asked C if she could get another outfit to wear on the day after the reception ceremony. C did not have the budget for it and screamed at her in front of everyone saying, “Another one? What? Another one you say? Won’t your dad’s family buy you anything at all?”. Was that necessary? In front of the public too? Now there were many instances like this between B and C, but if B wanted to call off the wedding or if C called off the wedding, guess who would be blamed. B would be blamed. Why? Because she’s a girl who’s ‘growing old’ and reaching the ‘optimum age of marriage’, so if she refuses, she will become a disgrace to both families. Only the girl would be blamed, the boy would maybe be let off with a simple lecture. There are countless stereotypes in Bengali culture that contribute to this too. See the problem now?

Girls are rushed to get married, and most of the time, this does not end well. A marriage is a contract of a lifetime, and divorced girls are forever discriminated against in this country, so this just adds a whole new level to “contract of a lifetime”.

In the beginning of this article, I didn’t quite have an idea of what I thought about marriage, but as I’m writing this, I realised that I don’t really like it all too much. There is too much pressure, too many responsibilities and too many expectations to live up to as a wife. If we go outside of the country of Bangladesh, we can see in the United States of America the FLDS Mormon Christian community. The rule there is that, the more wives a man has, the closer he is to heaven. There have been many human trafficking controversies revolving around this cult-like organisation. Women are told to “Keep sweet, Pray and Obey”. I think we all understand how oppressive this is. They are treated as pretty little housewives that obey their husbands as if they’re pets. This community has died down in America, but we can see similar aspects in our communities in Bangladesh. Most women are told that they “belong in the kitchen”. They’re told that they should just stay home and take care of the kids and family. Nothing more, nothing less. Independent women and especially single mothers are looked at as shameful, disgraceful, disgusting outcasts. This is the problem with the entire marriage issue.

I would just like to end this saying that marriage is not wrong, as long as you find the person you want to marry for sure. No one should be forced to get married, not women nor men. They are grown adults that are allowed to make their own decisions, let them do that. That is all. If you think you found the right person, take some time to get to know them properly, don’t rush. All I wish is that if anyone gets married, may they have a peaceful life together until their last breaths.

 

(The views and opinions expressed by the writers are those of their own and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of Feminist Factor)