You seem happy, but how are you happy?

Raihanatul Jannat ।। As a Bangladeshi woman in her 30s with a rather unusual life that I am also very vocal about, I seem to baffle most of my fellow Bangladeshi people. I am uncoupled in the traditional Bangladeshi sense; I have no children; I am fending for myself, and I live by myself. As such, my life seems to attract a pretty identical question and/or statement from majority of Bangladeshi I speak to, regardless of gender, age, or social/educational status.

They all question how can someone like me be happy?

Some are polite in their delivery; others blunt. Sometimes it is with a tone of genuine confusion and/or pity; and other times it is just laced with sarcasm and/or mockery. But the understanding that my life on social media or in real time cannot be how happy I make it seem is based on the patriarchal myth that an (older) unmarried woman has nothing to live for.

In our Bangladeshi/South Asian societies, living equates to achieving certain milestones. I do not doubt for a second that Bangladeshi men/boys are also thrusted into their own kind of toxic rat race disguised as life since the moment they are born.

However, for women, it seems to be a completely different ball game altogether. Depending on your parents’ socio-economic status and traditional values, the rat race can be either starkly clear from day one or just be out there not to be spoken out loud. You are either constantly told that your role as a female in life is to be a good woman a.k.a. a subservient wife and a dutiful mother. In such circumstances, it is not necessary for you to work towards any personal goals that might bring you happiness since you will be given the material safety and a home by the man you will be married off to as soon as you are of age and that is apparently all a women needs to be happy. Or a similar understanding is veiled under the guise of getting higher degrees, qualifications, and personal achievements so that one day you can charm your saviour in a white horse and live happily ever after.

Regardless of where you fall in that distinction, once you have crossed off your 20s and you have not “achieved” a level up with a husband and children – you are considered to be an anomaly who has nothing to be happy about. It is just absolutely incomprehensible to the Bangladeshi society that a woman might find happiness by other means than just being the mistress of a home and rearing children.

Do not get me wrong, I am not for one second downplaying the power of building or being in a happy partnership/marriage with another human being and the happiness that some women feel from being mothers. I am not advocating that women as a rule of thumb remain unmarried or childless. However, those additions in life should only be conscious decisions that you make happily and not some boxes that has to be ticked to be happy and win at this game called life.

On a personal note, I am a very organized human who is utterly feminine. I also find immense joy in cooking and feeding those close to me, and keep my home as pretty as possible. If I were to make a list of the day-to-day things in life that makes me happy, those would really be in the top 5. As such, in my case, these traits of mine also adds very much to the confusion as to what really is the problem with me!

Some try to explore how someone like me who is otherwise so womanly not comply with the societal rules that is expected of a good woman? Others undermine the daily achievements of a woman like me and refuse to acknowledge that such women can be happy by themselves in a home and/or a life that has not been “achieved” via marriage. Some wonder out loud if I have undiagnosed mental health issues or if I am just too far gone in the “toxic feminist” faith to ever be happy again. And sadly, those most closest just feel despair and sadness at the apparent lack of happiness in the lives of women like me.

All in all, “happy” strangers, acquaintances, friends, and families disregard our happiness as a childish whim and maintain that a woman’s happiness is not validated until she finds the man who gets her a life, a home, and a family.

To them and others who wonder, I want to end this by saying that women like me do not need to live to achieve certain landmarks and goals in life. We find happiness in being in love with ourselves and others who love us back without impositions. We find happiness in the summer wind. We find happiness in the autumn sun. We find happiness in being home by ourselves with book and a cup of green tea on a snowy weekend. We find happiness to just be present in our little beautiful life and to be strange.

(The views and opinions expressed by the writers are those of their own and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of Feminist Factor)