Work-life balance: friends over family?

Sadia Akter ।। A few days back I have been watching an interview of a public figure, ‘he/she was relentlessly mentioning, ‘I work all day, I stay in my office, my office has become my home, I spend alone time in here, I listen to songs. I only go home to sleep.’

This particular statement hit me so bad that I started thinking, what if everyone of this world start doing this. What about the children who will be waiting for their parents at home? What about the parents who are depending on their children to come home?

Please do not get me wrong, I appreciate people who work hard. Who think only ‘work’ as their everything. And that is awesome. But if you choose to live a life where you would be working 11-15 hours a day, where you wouldn’t need a family life or urge to go home, why in the first place you include another person in your life who wants to have a family. If someone is emotionally unavailable, that is completely understandable. Emotional availability is not necessary to live the life. Emotional absence is okay. But if someone is emotionally unavailable, they shouldn’t invite another person in their life to let alone suffer and keep wondering what on earth they have done wrong.

Divorce rate has been high since 2017; no one ever talks about, what have gone wrong? Many blame women empowerment. No one ever talks about why empowered women are leaving men. I know many guys who have wives and have tinder at the same time. When I was in tinder searching for a date, I have talked to many guys who said they have girlfriends or wives. The basic principle of ‘not using a dating app when you are committed’ is missing in most of the men. I am not defending women because these men if talks to someone, talks to whom? Goes out with someone, goes out with whom? Women obviously! I being a feminist, am also questioning the moral values ethics of a woman who is continuously lying to herself and doesn’t have control over her feelings and falls in for a married or committed man.

Back in 2015, I used to work with a professor, whose husband used to be a government employee and was in a leading position, my professors complain was, ‘he doesn’t give time to her, he doesn’t come home after office, he doesn’t help her with household chores or with the children, all he does is hangs out with his colleagues or friends after office hours. One day, my professor was happy, I barely understood why, she was all happy and said, ‘Sadia they don’t have any other entertainment so they hangout with their friends after office.’ This single justification hit me like it hits me justifying rape for the sake of women’s dress. So I asked my professor, ‘what do you do for entertainment daily? What are your modes of entertainment?’ she stopped for a while and said, ‘Sadia, men need it, and we women don’t.

From top where I have started, again, the children, the parents, all they are getting is the woman home, not the man! On the other hand, the woman nowadays is tired and she thinks, it’s better to live alone than with an absent partner, whereas some women manage to sacrifice her desire of inclusiveness in her partners life. Some women make outside friend or engage themselves in other works.

One of my colleagues who moved to a foreign land, once said, ‘Apa, when I was in Bangladesh, my husband used to come home late, never before 10pm he was in home. But now that I am in here with him, he helps me with everything, he comes home just after his work, we shop together, we go out together, we raise children together, and we go on vacation together. I have never been this happy in my life.’ Listening to this, I asked one of my married friends, why do men change when they move abroad? My friend replied, in Bangladesh, if a guy works or helps in home, he is going to be called in bad names by his parents, relative even friends. In Bangladesh, if a guy uploads a picture with his wife or girlfriend, the very next day his friends or colleagues or relatives taunts him. To avoid social taunt the guy starts avoiding his wife. He starts spending more time with his friends, colleagues or in office works. This same person when moves to abroad, realizes, excluding his wife from his life is abnormal. Besides there’s no one to call in bad names or taunt the man.

Me time, personal time, friend time is important, but also if we cannot establish the inclusiveness of a wife or girlfriend as a normal human being in everyday life, this is never going to boost our morality or ethics.

We need to again re-enter the importance of giving time to our family, our children, our parents, our better halves to re-establish normal social environment. Family is where a child learns the basics of humanity. How do you even expect normalizing ‘only sleep hours is your home hours’, is going to end the chaos of the society? Your motto of working and not having a family life will eventually create more chaos, infidelity and crime. Normalize taking break, normalize having family life, normalize spending time with your spouse, normalize having your spouse included in your life, and normalize transparency. You don’t need to be on a dating app just to entertain yourself! Normalize being with your spouse and family as entertainment. The society is not going to change with your arrogance of denial. Remember things grow beautiful where you give time and effort.

(The views and opinions expressed by the writers are those of their own and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of Feminist Factor)