The Powerplay Game and Illusion of Love

Sadia Akter ।। Kamla Bhasin, an Indian feminist and development activist died few days back. I was reading the newspaper and came across the news. I remember her face, years back from a YouTube video with Indian actor Amir Khan. I remember her describing the word ‘swami’, ‘pati’ (Husband in Hindi). I remember her mentioning the word ‘superior’, ‘owner’ when she explained that swami or pati itself are words that mean the wife is the inferior one and the swami is the malik (Owner) of the woman.

I again searched for the video, re-watched it, and then I came to know that in India there is the rule that says, if a woman stays in her in laws house or in her parents’ house, no one by no means, never ever, in any circumstances, can throw her out from the house. In Bangladesh, do we have the rule? Because, I know many middle, lower middle class families where a simple fight among family members turn into the fact that the woman has to leave the house and the family members has the audacity to utter the ‘leave my house’ words as frequently as they eat rice, as if the house is not the woman’s!

So women from their very childhood realize they actually have nowhere to live. Kamla Bhasin in that particular video said, we, women, do not need the 5% dowry you give us during our marriage, we need the part of our land from our parents so that we can have the same amount of confidence and security of living in my own house as my brother has. BRAC (Development Organization) has a documentary that revealed the statistics of lands owned by women in Bangladesh. It didn’t surprise me knowing that only 4% of our motherland is legally owned by women. I want to know how many girls staying at their father’s house, which I think should be called their house, hear the sentences from the near and dear ones like, ‘so you are still staying at your father’s house?’ ‘So you are not yet married? You should know father’s house is not your house; your husband’s house is your house!’ How many girls have married just because they were under the pressure of leaving their own house? How many girls have felt that they have been treated as an outsider and thought of getting married rather being humiliated by their own family members?

Do their brothers face the same sentences; because by default, our society has this idea of father’s house is only the sons’ house! Well, the daughters may get some of the property after their parents’ death but they cannot live in their father’s house because they should be with their husband. So what happens when a girl doesn’t have a husband? Even if the girl is self sufficient, the society and the close ones will never ever allow the girl to just live her life by her own in her very own house. Why do they do it?

I used to think it’s a form of love, like they love you, they care for you, and they want you to have a partner! Well, they want the girl to get married to the guy they like and choose for them, they love them as long as the girl lives by their rules and do not create her own, they love them as long as the girl is under their control. The moment the girl does the things she likes, the moment she is happy by her means of happiness, their love goes away! Because the form of love they have is control, like your office boss has for you, the moment you are free and have your own choice or opinion, their love flies far away. I realized, this is not love, this is power-play. All they want is to control you and make themselves an owner! A family member no matter their personal choices should always stand by each other! So if only you love your spouse, relatives, family members, because they follow your rules, I am afraid if you love your ego and superiority or the person. Is it your inner satisfaction of being the owner? A girl, living in her own house, has her own opinion, has life sorted out, is happy by herself, does these entire scare you? Does it scare the fact that you are no more the owner! You think it’s about caring? It’s about protecting the girl?

No that’s not! Now let me answer you what it actually is, it is actually losing control over an ‘alone’ girl! If you let a girl live by her own terms, in her own house, the girl might be so self sufficient that she is not going to ask your opinion. And you the dear and near one’s then feel powerless.

If you have a honors and masters degree and yet questions like, ‘how can a girl alone look after property’, ‘how can the little sister gets married leaving the older one’, ‘how can a girl survive without a guy’, ‘ how a girl earns more money, is she sleeping with big shots’, ‘how can a girl manage financial matters of the family’, ‘how can a girl have guy friends’ still whirls in your mind, I am afraid, the degrees have not upgraded your thinking hence just gave you a certificate.

Let me ask, have you not ever heard of any guy failed their business? Have you ever heard a guy is being ditched by his gf/wife? Have you ever heard a guy is being deceived by their landlord or by other people? Well, if your answer is yes, you need to understand, both men and women are human and both get deceived, fails in life! That’s just human! But if you generalize, women will not able to understand the difficult terms and conditions, you have just earned the wrong degrees! Probably you haven’t taught your girl child that to err is human. They are going to do mistakes, learn from them and stand tall. Have you forgot to teach your girl child that she should get through every piece of paper she reads, she should understand, question and verify? If you have forgot to taught, please teach her now! And get yourself out of the illusion of supremacy. Because this is not going to help her when you die. Respect her decisions, let her do mistakes, and give her power of making decisions! Let her out with courage and broad shoulder!! You are not helping the society with your degrees if you still think women alone cannot do it! If you think they must have a male in their life to get their land rights! You are the deceiver, you are helping the deceivers so that they can deceive girls and the girls are lacking confidence because of your opinion.

(The views and opinions expressed by the writers are those of their own and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of Feminist Factor)